Possibly one of the best fractured fairytales ever written? We think so! Pour yourself a cuppa and sink into your sofa with this wonderfully fantastical story.
Rapunzel
Once upon a time in a land known as “Far, far away”, lived a mother and her son. They lived in a mighty tall tower made of stone bricks older than time itself with patterns engraved on them. The bottom of the tower was overgrown with all sorts of weeds and plants. Despite all this, the view at the top was magnificent. Especially when you were on the roof of the tower, as long as you didn’t fall off!
Enough about the home of this mother and son, what you want to know is who they are and to that I say, “patience young one.” This family was unique, not because they lived in a wizard tower in an abandoned forest but because they had magical hair. Hair that could cure incurable illnesses, hair that could heal cuts and bruises and could even glow. The glow part isn’t anything crazy but I’d like to see your hair glow! Both the mother and her child had these powers except that it came with a price, as both their mullets were extremely long in lengths. When I say long, I mean longer than the length of the path to get to the nearest civilisation from where the tower stood.
Well maybe not that long but you get what I mean, Rapunzel and her son, Rory had magical and long hair. Rory woke up one morning exhausted after reading most of the night, nobody could take a book away from him when he was reading. He yawned and stretched as he looked over at his mother cooking in the kitchen. For the height of the tower it only really had one main room which had just the bare necessities - the kitchen straight across from where he and his mother slept, and a tiny table and couch in the misdt of it all.
“Good morning, mother” mumbled Rory, trying to untangle his hair which had tied itself around his lamp on his bedside table during the night.
“Good morning, sweetheart, I’ve made breakfast for you” replied his mother cheerfully. She was still in her pyjamas with star shapes all over, with her signature slippers on. Rory eventually got his hair untied and sat down at their tiny table for breakfast. Rory had never left the tower before, only watched from the top at the birds passing. In those olden days, wherein we set our tale, planes and helicopters didn’t exist; he had no escape.
Couldn’t he have just used his long hair to get down and out? Firstly, I am the narrator and you’re the reader so be quiet. Secondly, his mother wouldn’t let him.
But what if he just... One more word out of you and I’m not finishing the story.
Anyways, his mother locked every entrance and exit to get out of the tower when she would leave for supplies. Even hidden ones, she bored up the windows and did everything in her power to make sure Rory never left. She never told him why, every time he asked he always got the same answer “You will thank me one day”. He eventually gave up asking, that was almost 4 years ago.
“I must head to the village to get supplies for us today” spoke his mother.
“Yeah, I’ll sweep the floor in a while” replied Rory, only half listening from the start.
“I said I’m going to the village, and besides, the floor was swept yesterday. Are you feeling alright dear? You might be coming down with something” said his mother, confusedly.
“Right uh, sorry I’m just still trying to wake up” stuttered Rory. That wasn’t the problem though, the boiling hot tea he had been served woke him up before but now all he could think about was leaving, he had never considered it that much before.
“You wouldn’t need help fetching some supplies, would you mother?” asked Rory as enthusiastically as possible. His mother set down her mug.
“I think you know the answer to that Rory” she replied, sternly.
“But mother, I’ll be ten years old in a few weeks and…” began Rory.
“Have I not told you a million times? The answer is no, you will NEVER leave this tower!!!” Roared Rapunzel. Her roar made the whole forest shake like never before.
“But… w-why?” stuttered Rory after some minutes of silence. His mother sighed, she knew it was the time to tell him.
“Long before you were born your father, Jack, had a bit of an encounter with a giant who lived in a castle above the clouds. Jack stole goods of his and managed to end the giant in the process by cutting down the beanstalk he used to get up to him. Jack thought he had won and him and his mother lived happily for a while until one day when they were attacked. They were attacked by the giant’s troops, soldiers with no hearts or mercy. Jack and his mother tried to flee every time when they were found. Eventually the soldiers captured his mother, however Jack was able to survive” explained Rapunzel. Thoughts were swimming around in Rory’s head like little fish but he let his mother continue. He had to know more about why he could never leave.
“Then one day I met this Jack who then eventually became your father. However one dreadful night…” began Rapunzel until she stopped, tears were running down her face.
“One dreadful night, the giant’s army got the best of us. You were just a boy and Jack had to sacrifice himself for us to get away. I was lost in the forest for days until I stumbled upon this very tower we inhabit now” explained his mother. Rory was speechless. He thought he had never left the tower but it turns out he wasn’t even born in it. He thought his father had passed away due to an accident when actually he had sacrificed himself for his family’s good. Rory tried to speak but couldn’t, it took him a while to find his voice.
“Thank you for telling me, mother, but with all due respect regarding my father, shouldn’t it be safe for us to go out into the real world seeing as the giant’s army got revenge?” asked Rory, still trying to process the story he was just told.
“After that night, the hunting didn’t stop and to this day I still don’t know why. Maybe the giants army wants to eliminate Jack’s entire bloodline. Even when I go to the village I still have to be disguised.”
“Do we have two disguises?” asked Rory. Rapunzel looked through the window and then at her boy, the time had come.
“Get an outfit you don’t wear often and we can chance it” replied his mother. Rory jumped up and down in excitement.
“But…” began his mother “If we get recognised, we are running straight back here”.
“Rodger that, madam” said Rory confidently, doing a little salute in the process.
“Rodger? Who is Rodger?” asked his mother, puzzled. Rory burst into laughter and eventually both got dressed and made their way out of the tower using their long hair to their advantage. After they tied up their hair and shoved it into the hoods of their disguises. It was a long, treacherous journey to even get out of the forest in the first place, let alone to get to the village. They had to avoid soldiers of the giant’s army such as Robin Hoodie and Puss in Heels, as well as avoid the well overgrown thorn bushes and other weeds and plants. There were claw marks on some trees and massive footprints on the ground. Rory couldn’t believe his mother had to go through this every time to just get them supplies. After a bit of uphill walking, the forest became less dense and sunlight was visible. Rory had only ever seen the sun when it was in the right angle to be seen from the tower window, but seeing it like this was enchanting to him. Birds and phoenixes soared through the mid-day sky and the clouds looked much whiter compared to the ones lurking over the abandoned forest. They passed a little narrow river on the way to the village. His mother told him how her and her sister would run away from the trolls under the bridge when they were younger. Rory found it difficult to imagine a sibling but just about managed to make a picture of the scene in his head. They skimmed rocks there for a while, and eventually continued their way to the nearest village. They passed a farm and went over a steep hill until the village came into sight, or should I say the church as it was the only thing tall enough to be seen. Rory didn’t care though, the sight was magnificent. As they got closer the sound of chatter and work could be heard. They went through a street connected to the main street first, passing a well and a few houses before making it to main street. People were walking left and right with items in their hands. Donkeys were carrying around carts full of stock for the shops. One thing odd though was there were a lot of soldiers around for a small village. The shops of course were the best of all. The architecture all around was way more modern than the old tower he lived in. However one thing better about the tower was the smell, here in the village it seemed as if not everyone was as hygienic! His mother dragged him over to one of the first shops on main street to buy clothes for him.
“It’s so much easier to get clothes for you this way, before it was just a guessing game” squealed Rapunzel excitedly, holding a nice jumper up to Rory to compare. After buying nearly the whole shop, they tried to go to the butchers however a row had begun on the streets. Someone was getting arrested by the giant’s army. This giant must have been filthy rich saying his army ruled most of the land in “Far, far away”.
“Stop lying to us, we know you didn’t pay for this!” shouted a soldier.
“I swear on my arm chair I did, I just wanted a bit of honey for my porridge in the morning, that’s all” squealed Papa Bear. The soldiers had him, Mama Bear, Baby Bear and Goldilocks surrounded. People nearby stopped to watch to see what would happen next, including Rapunzel and Rory.
“Drop the honey now or we will arrest you!” Roared another soldier, holding a muzzle in one hand and a spear in the other. More guards were holding weapons, muzzles and hand cuffs.
“I’ve been framed I tell you, me and my whole family” said Papa Bear, feeling more confident and raising his voice. The soldiers moved closer in but Papa Bear growled back at them. The citizens watching apart from Rapunzel and Rory showed no reaction, almost as if it were a regular thing to just get arrested without hard evidence. The soldiers charged in and tackled the family to the ground when people began to go along with their day because the “action” had ended. Rory asked his mother if they should do something but it was too late. The Bears and Goldilocks were taken away to a huge castle at the end of main street. Rory had not previously seen it as he was so distracted by the shops and the sound and bustle, however now he realised it was the centre piece of the village. The soldiers were walking away until one looked back and locked eyes with Rory for what felt like centuries. Rory began to feel uncomfortable and scared as the soldier rubbed his eyes to be sure he was right. He then whispered to a few more guards before half of the army had gone with the bears and the other half was staring at Rapunzel and Rory. Rapunzel soon noticed.
“Run” whispered his mother clearly.
“What, what do you mean?” asked Rory confusedly even though he heard her.
“IT’S THEM!!!” roared the army of soldiers. They began sprinting towards Rory and his mother with no evidence of slowing down in sight. Rory wasn’t used to running and was struggling to breathe when he did so. He also didn’t know the village like the back of his hand so his only hope was to follow his mother. Surprisingly, Rapunzel had stopped a few soldiers , as while running the clothes they had purchased had flown out of her hands. Pants, t-shirts, a dress, socks, knickers, a pair of boots and a cloak managed to stop a select few soldiers for only a few seconds. However when running for your life, everything counts. Maybe they were actually not trying to arrest or kill them? We have discussed this before, you are the reader and I am the narrator. Anyways, back in the village unfortunately for our protagonists, they were still being chased by over a dozen fairy tale creatures. When Rory's mother was trying to slow down a bit to be able to go round the corner quicker in the long run, a spear thrown by a soldier stabbed straight into her leg. She fell to the ground and Rory turned Back. He wasn't going to leave his mother behind.
“You need to go darling, I can’t continue” spoke Rapunzel much too calmly for a woman who had a spear half way through her left leg.
“No!” retorted Rory . “I am not leaving you”. It was too late to leave anyways, the army had caught up and Rory and Rapunzel were both handcuffed and thrown into a cart to be brought back to the castle…
-xxXXXxx-
Rory woke up hours later on a rock-hard ground which was literally made of rocks. He looked at his surroundings and quickly realised he was in a dungeon. He had only ever read about dungeons but knew you didn’t want to end up in one, but unfortunately for him he was indeed inside a dungeon. Behind where someone had thrown him onto the ground was a measly depressing toilet that smelled ten times worse than the village main street! Looking across from his cell in the dungeon he noticed…
“Mother!” said Rory in excitement. His mother was wearing rags instead of the outfit he saw her wearing last and her hair was dirtier and untidy. His clothing and hair had changed too, but he only noticed once he saw his mother. They must have been underground for it was extremely cold.
“Hello sweetheart, I knew we shouldn’t have left the tower and now it’s all my fault and…” began his mother, sobbing on the cold ground.
“Hey, it’s OK, if anything it’s my fault. The guard recognised me first” admitted Rory.
“You do look a lot like your father!” giggled Rapunzel. Rory never knew what his father looked like but gave a little chuckle to what he thought was a compliment.
“Whatever about what happened but we need to focus on the present, how do we get out of here and back home?” asked Rory.
“Well when you were asleep after passing out due to the smell of the cart, straight after we were both thrown in here. They said the king would decide our fate soon” began his mother “Our only chance to escape is during that time period”.
“It’s not like we are experienced with breaking out of dungeons” replied Rory.
“Allow me to help with that” said a squeaky voice from the shadows. Rapunzel and Rory looked over at a cell near them. It was on a small table with a prisoner who was even smaller upon it. The figure sped out of the shadows revealing how tiny they were, just bigger than a thumb.
“They call me Finn Finger, brother of Tom Thumb” said Finn Finger. “And I think there is a way to get us all out of here”. Rory held in his laughter at hearing those funky names and Rapunzel smiled.
“And how is that?” asked Rapunzel.
“The king usually brings people to a specific room to integrate them. The room only has one door in and out however a small vent which I can get through. When both of you are inside the room, I can go through the vent with a tranquilizer stolen from the armoury to give us time to make an escape” explained Finn Finger.
“Won’t there be guards on the other side of the door though?” asked Rory.
“That’s when we utilise the number of people we have to our advantage. The king only does individual interrogations meaning who ever doesn’t go first we need to depend on them to defeat the one or two guards in that room” replied Finn Finger “It’s random who goes first, we have no control, so both of you must be willing to do it”.
“Doesn’t look like there’s any other way out” said Rapunzel, and with that the escape plan was made. However one more question needed to be answered.
“How will you get out Finn?” asked Rory. Finn then proceeded to walk straight between the steel bars of his tiny cell.
“They haven’t designed bars small enough to contain me so that problem is solved, I’ll start making my way through the armoury and to that vent, good luck!” replied Finn Finger as he exited up a copper pipe. Only seconds later Rapunzel and her son were brought to the interrogation room where Rory was selected to go first. He sat down in an old wooden chair opposite a royal arm chair while waiting for the king. The king eventually came in and sat down in front of Rory.
“Good day to you, young boy” said the king cheerfully, Rory was flabbergasted as he expected a vicious response.
“Good day, your highness” replied Rory, trying to stay on his good side.
“I’ve been told that you and your mother are related to the same Jack that killed the previous leader of my grand army. Is this true?” asked the king. Sweat was dripping down Rory’s forehead. You could hear his heart beating from his home tower, and he had entered full panic mode inside. He didn’t have to worry any longer though, as he spotted Finn Finger out of the corner of his eye holding a tranquilizer double if not triple the size of him! Before Rory could answer Finn let go of the trigger. At the same time he heard his mother beating up the guards outside, the plan was going perfectly. When the tranquilizer dart hit the king he roared in pain and then something strange happened. He began to grow. Taller, bigger and stronger, his clothes expanding and slightly ripping in the process. The gold crown cracked in half and so did the castle as he grew through it. Finn and Rory took cover beneath the table and Rapunzel avoided the falling rubble too. The king was now huge, bursting through the top of the castle and knocking the back walls and pillars. After the falling debris stopped well… falling, they looked up and Rapunzel realised who it was. It was the giant whose army had murdered her husband and who was supposed to be dead. She went as white as snow and looked petrified .
“FEE-FI-FO-FUM!!!” roared the giant, his voice echoing through the air. Now Finn and Rory were also petrified. The giant chuckled with joy and looked down at his prisoners, until yet again something strange happened. Instead of growing, the giant began to shrink. Shrink all the way back down to a human size and stood right in front of the petrified gang.
“Not a lot making sense right now, is there?” asked the king. Rory nodded sheepishly. The king began to circle around his prisoners. Then he began to pull at his hair until it came off revealing a completely different style and colour. It was a wig all long. He then pulled off his realistic mask revealing who he was…
“It can’t be…” whispered Rapunzel, terrified.
“But you see, it can,” said Jack. Yes, you heard me right, Jack. Jack and the giant were the same person all along.
“That entire story is made up about my origin is false. I didn’t even have a mother growing up, I was an orphan. You see, as soon as I learned the powers of your hair, I knew that if used it correctly you could become richer than my entire kingdom. I was born with the power to switch between giant and human, so by using this and making that fake story up, I had your trust. However after Rory was born and I found out he had magical hair too and didn’t have my powers, I knew I needed to act fast. I made my own army hunt us down and pretended to sacrifice myself, when all along I was just trying to make you stay in hiding forever. I knew your exact location all the time so you wouldn’t be able to become richer than me” began Jack. “However, Robin Hood and Puss in Heels notified me about your plan to go to the village and bring Rory, so that’s why there were many soldiers around the place. I knew I had to catch both of you and reveal the truth”. Both Rapunzel and Rory were speechless. Rory couldn’t believe that man was his father and Rapunzel couldn’t believe she once loved that man who lied so readily to her. Finn eventually got the courage to speak.
“Not sure if you know this but it typically not the most clever thing to tell your plans to your enemies” said Finn.
“Well, Tic Tac, from this day on you won’t be my enemies any longer. It seems you have gone past staying in hiding, and I have already told you everything, so from now on instead of being enemies to me you will be…” began Jack before growing back up to his giant height again “DEAD TO ME!!!”. Jack the Giant began recklessly stomping his feet in attempt to crush his prisoners. Finn, Rory and Rapunzel quickly ran through different rooms to get out of the castle. Each room only looked slightly different from the other and an exit wasn’t in sight. Rory saved Finn by grabbing him at the last second before a wall knocked over by Jack the Giant’s baby toe crushed him. Someone was going to get injured; Jack the Giant was showing no mercy. Luckily, they just about found the main entrance which they used as an exit and escaped before the whole castle toppled down on them after Jack the Giant kicked down the last of the castle pillars. They ran away from the castle and towards main street, Jack the Giant following behind with footsteps louder than a herd of elephants. He began throwing projectiles at our heroes such as big spruce trees and bits he had ripped off of the shops on main street. The three escapees eventually made it to the junction where the Bears and Goldilocks were arrested and hid behind the shops. People in the village were screaming, shouting, cursing and running all over the place. Everybody was panicking but Finn, Rory and Rapunzel knew they had to stay chill.
“Got another plan for us, Fingers?” asked Rapunzel, nervously as the footsteps got closer.
“Maybe if people stopped calling me nicknames, I could think of something!” shouted Finn Finger back but to them it was a little lower pitched squeal!
“FEE-FI-FO-FUM!!! I SMELL THE BROTHER OF TOM THUMB!!!” roared Jack the Giant.
“Well, it’s not like there were showers in the dungeon!” retorted Finn Finger sarcastically.
“That’s not important right now, we need to think of a way to…” began Rapunzel, until Rory ran out onto main street, face to face with his giant of a father. Rapunzel wasn’t a fight or flight person but rather a freeze completely person, the only reason she survived getting out of the castle was because Rory and Finn dragged her along with them.
“Please father, have mercy” said Rory dramatically and then winking over at his mother and Finn. Rapunzel knew his exactly what her son was up to. His father laughed loudly as if his son had told a legendary joke.
“People like you always beg for mercy. You're no son of mine, just a puny child with sparkly hair, how pathetic!” shouted Jack the Giant. Rory felt hurt for a moment, his own father had called him pathetic. However, he sort of expected this. It still hurt though. Then Rory ran around the corner again, not the corner where his mother and Finn were but the one opposite it. Jack the Giant chased after, not knowing he was about to die. Rory swung his hair across and so did his mother to make a tight rope from it. Jack the Giant tripped over it and began to fall. He was expecting to turn the corner and catch Rory, not trip over a hair rope his mother and son had made. Unfortunately for Jack the Giant and fortunately for Rory, Finn and Rapunzel, Jack the Giant tripped right beside the church, falling on the spire which pierced right through his heart. Jack the Giant roared in pain for a moment til life slipped from his grasp. Rory, Finn and Rapunzel stood in shock at the sight. A destroyed town with the spire of a church going through a giant’s body. It was quite a shocking and macabre scene. After a few moments, crowds began to come out of the shops which they previously used as shelter and clapped and cheered for their heroes. It was unusual for these three to hear applause for themselves, but they decided collectively in quiet fortitude that it did indeed fell very good.
About a month has passed since these events and life couldn’t be better for everyone who lives in “Far, Far Away”. All prisoners from the multiple castle dungeons were released and the army was disbanded. Finn Finger is now the ruler of “Far, Far Away” and all damages to the village have been fixed. Rory and Rapunzel have moved out of the tower and into the village where Rory is now attending school and Rapunzel has a job in the clothes shop. The reason I have written this all this down for you is because I couldn’t let Jack be the hero in a fairy tale that isn’t even true which is why I hope you spread the word of Rory, the son of Rapunzel and maybe Finn Finger as well!
Written by Rumpelstiltskin
(Danny Lawlor)